Artificial Sweeteners: The Darrin Stephens Theory

Lately, I have seen an influx of healthy instagrammers posting photos of “sugar free” packaged food. As you can imagine, I was completely appalled. How appalled, you might ask? Think Endora finding out her daughter married a mortal. That’ll set you on the right track. Because we all know what “sugar free” means: ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS

Artificial sweeteners are, essentially, really sweet poison. Aspartame, in particular, has been linked to several types of cancer, weight gain, metabolic syndrome, tumor growth, seizures, and migraines. Did you know that aspartame was never supposed to be released to the public? The FDA was adamant that aspartame never be available for public use. After all, aspartame was “discovered,” by a chemist who spilled a chemical blend on his fingers, licked it clean, and discovered it was sweet (As the story goes). One cannot be one hundred percent sure just how aspartame got through the FDA red tape. For all we know, though, it could have involved a little bit of nose wiggling, but it has been hinted at that it was a quite political, economically motivated decision.

There are several types of artificial sweeteners, but one I would specifically like to address is Splenda, officially named sucralose. Splenda has been labeled as a “safe” artificial sweetener. The false advertising surrounding sucralose is so deceptive and believable, that discovering the truth requires the research abilities of no less than a modern day Mrs. Kravitz. Many “healthy” foods, including Quest Bars (don’t get me started on those), even contain sucralose. How a food with sucralose can be called “healthy,” is still beyond me. Sucralose has been directly linked to weight gain, leukemia and lymphoma, lesions in the internal organs, digestive issues, and decreased healthy gut bacteria. It, just like aspartame, is a completely chemical compound.

Artificial sweeteners can go under many names. Many people do not know what names to look for on labels. Most people are only familiar with aspartame, saccharin, and perhaps sucralose ie; Equal, Sweet n Low, and Splenda. Others include: acesulfame k, sorbitol, neotame, cyclamate, mannitol, polydextrose, and tagatose. You didn’t know most of those, did you? Cheeky Cheeky artificial sweetener companies. They’re a little too Uncle Arthur-esque for my taste.

Ignoring the awful side effects associated with artificial sweeteners, let me ask you this, what’s the point? We all know that sugar tastes better. Artificial sweeteners are a cheap imitation that just doesn’t make the cut. I liken artificial sweeteners to Dick Sargent. Sargent had the same first name as Dick York, but without York, Darrin Stephens just wasn’t the same.

My advice to you: STAY AWAY! Artificial sweeteners are, essentially, useless, and do nothing but harm to your body. If you’re craving something sweet, you’re better off to splurge on the refined sugar. Ideally, though, raw honey, pure maple syrup, pure stevia, coconut sugar, and brown rice syrup are fantastic, natural sweeteners.

*WIGGLE*

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